30 to Midnight

Mercury Bar, Murray Hill

Saturday, 9:40pm

Mercury Bar
493 Third Ave. (33rd St.), Manhattan

Remember when we went to The Half King and met that guy who guessed the City's Most InAppropriate Neighborhood was "Third Avenue in the Thirties"? Well, he wasn't wrong. We knew he wasn't wrong which is why we've mostly avoided this area we're referring to as Murray Hill though, technically, south of 34th Street is still Gramercy. Huh. Clearly that's what realtors want to to think. We'll argue maps and boundaries with you later. Now we'll simply say: As expected, the majority of bars on Third Avenue in the 30's are AI. You can risk it Before Midnight, but you're likely not going to like it. Case in point: Merc Bar before 10pm. A good place to be if you're 23. 

Lady Gaga at Pat O'Brien's, UES

Thursday, 8pm

Pat O'Brien's Bar
1702 Second Ave. (88th St.), Manhattan

Usually we avoid Pat O'Brien's because it is a Red Sox - Patriots - Celtics - Bruins bar, and because the clientele is almost always AI (we walk by here all the time). But we were compelled to enter and give the place a fair shot because, no, not the Beer Pong sign, but the Lady Gaga Look Alike Contest sign. This is hilarious. Oh, it's AI for sure - kids fall out of here nightly - but it can't be ignored.

Vig 27, Murray Hill

Vig 27
119 East 27 St. (Lexington Ave.), Manhattan

What was this bar before it was this bar? You know, like 10 years ago when it was a desirable, chill place to be? Maybe it was a wine bar? When it wasn't so black?  When it wasn't trying to be a lounge? The last time we entered this space was more than five years ago and we do remember low lighting and lower seating but we don't remember it to be so blah. Bartender says it gets packed with Age InAppropriates. Disappointing all around. And a little sad too.

OBAO, Midtown East

Thursday, 8pm

OBAO
222 E. 53rd St. (Third Ave.), Manhattan

OhWow is this place bad. Seriously bad. Criminally bad. Unbelievably bad. We haven't seen anything this bad since Bar Artisanal.

The waiter's unbuttoned shirt sleeve dragging across the undercooked Lamb Satay Wrapped in Betel Leaf stuck to a swamp of phlegmy Peanut Coconut Sauce was about as wonderful as the dehydrated, day-old Kalbi Short Rib in the flavorless Pad See Iew, which was as delicious as the unwashed Sauteed Snow Pea Shoots apparently torn apart by half-broken nail clippers.

What is happening here? We have have have to put Obao in our Worst category because we cannot send you there. Though we should mention that everyone inside was AA. Plus, currently (though the paint on the window suggests otherwise) this place is liquor licenseless, which means beer and wine is as inexpensive as you want it to be. That's far and away the best part of this disaster. 

Dream Hotel, Midtown West

Friday, 9:15pm

Dream Hotel
210 W. 55th St. (Broadway)

An exception to our rule that Hotel Bars are always AA. From the ground level to the roof, this hotel is crawling with creepy Age InAppropriates. That sounds mean. But is it mean that the forefront of our photo is a heap of garbage? We like the contrast - fancy and antsy, as in colonies of drones and queens. Why does it seem like we're saying the Dream Hotel is insect-infected? We're not. But that doesn't make it a good place for thirty-somethings. FYI - the tight roof space is called the Ava Lounge, and Rm. Fifty5 is the horrible written name of the lobby bar. 

B-Side, East Village

Saturday, 10pm

B-Side
204 Avenue B (12th St.), Manhattan

"You know it's AI when you smell cloves," said Karina as we sniffed B-Side from a block away. That was before the fitted-black-t-shirt-dirty-hair situation came into sight. And we thought uniforms were limited to half a million NYC elementary schoolers. Ha ha. We're funny when we compare B-Side's patrons to third graders. 

Destination Bar, East Village

Saturday, 9pm

Destination Bar & Grille
211 Avenue A (13th St.), Manhattan

It's clear to us that the concept of destination is relative. Destination Bar is surely not reaching out to anyone over 30. Here's a clue (dead giveaway) from their Website that they're completely AI, and desiring it: "Maybe try a Jello shot?"
Uh, maybe in 1995.

Good thing there's an actual destination bar next door: Drop Off Service.

The Rusty Knot, West Village

Thursday, 10pm

The Rusty Knot
425 West St. (11th St.), Manhattan

Though The Rusty Knot The Drink (a frozen mojito in a cafeteria-plastic-water glass) is ridiculously delicious and comes with a mini plastic diver/mermaid hanging onto the rim...and though the salty Pretzel Dog is only slightly less ridiculously delicious...and though the staff is ridiculously, um, delightful...we cannot send you to The Rusty Knot The Bar. Unless you want to not only be but also feel like the oldest person in the house. Bouncer was certain the crowd was 30s, but he wasn't basing that on any birth years he may have seen when carding everyone. And, even if he was right, it was 30-acting-fratty. It's like a Diablo Royale situation in here: Go for a tasty cold drink but don't look around.

Eastside Billiards & Bar, Upper East Side

Thursday, 11:45pm

Eastside Billiards & Bar
163 E. 86th St. (Lexington Ave.), Manhattan

As we've mentioned, we have some pool-playing friends. These friends warned us that Manhattan's pool tables are generally surrounded by AIs (in leagues, and not), but that did not stop us from checking out Eastside Billiards & Bar. Alas, late night at the pool hall is not romantically full of aged men dispensing wisdom, teaching the young'uns how to work a con. No. Late night at the pool hall is full of extreme AI. But the cheap drinks are entrapping. We stayed for more than one.

Aces & Eights, East Village

Friday, 9:59pm

Aces & Eights
34 Avenue A (3rd St.), Manhattan

Recently an owner of an Upper East Side bar told us there was only one bar in the neighborhood he finds disagreeable: Aces & Eights (1683 First Ave.). That's funny to us. He described "a game with plastic cups and ping pong balls" with disdain. That's funny too. Anyway, as you can imagine, the downtown sibling is closely related, and younger. Avoid.